The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
