I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
