Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
