He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
