Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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