Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
