theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
