when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So squirting runs in the family.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
