i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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