I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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