i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
