So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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