I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
