oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
