Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I enjoy the company of your penis
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
