I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
