he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
