there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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