Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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