went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
