Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
