this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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