Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
