he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
