Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
