i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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