the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
