Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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