That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
