I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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