I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
