'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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