I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
