So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
