Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
