checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
