and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
