I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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