just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
