Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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