That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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