Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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