It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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