You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
where are you?
Hypothermia
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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