Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
