He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
