i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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