i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
