There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
