When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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