Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
