so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
