new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
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I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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