Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
