Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
