He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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