if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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