Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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