i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
