I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
