we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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