the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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